AUGUST 31, 2007 @ 2:42 pm – SB 405 Fwy at Cherry Ave Exit Ramp in Long Beach.

Damn it's been hot here in the LA area. For the most part, the Highway A-holes have been keeping to themselves. I'd like to think that all LA drivers read this blog and think more than twice when they are about to make stupid decisions.

But this heat wave is finally starting to take a toll on drivers. Today on the SB 405 at the Cherry Ave off-ramp collector, there were not one but two A-holes.

One car, a 2006 Chevy HHR mini SUV, was driving very slowly - like 5 MPH or less, in the right lane as the Cherry Ave collector started. I wasn't getting off the freeway, so I was in the second lane from the right driving a respectable 55 MPH in the early Holiday get-outta-town traffic, but just as I approached the collector lane where the HHR was, traffic slowed down abruptly to about 10 MPH.

As I was passing the even slower HHR, I heard a loud truck horn blast next to me. There was a massive off-yellow and orange-brown cement truck with western motif graphics painted on its mixer drum and cab doors right up to the bumper of the HHR. When the driver of the HHR heard the horn, the woman driving stopped her HHR cold in the middle of the collector with no trafic ahead of her. As I continued past I caught a glimpse of her staring in her rear view mirror back at the cement mixer truck while she was at a total stand still.

As I continued on, she continued to remain steadfast in her position. I don't believe she had any mechanical problems (even though she was driving a Chevy, but I digress) but I think she was just pissed someone had the nerve to honk at her, or she was trying to back off the collector to get back on the freeway... an even more bonehead to try as a Highway A-hole.

Then HHR's potential mechanical issues I really can't speak to, but if her problem was that she took the wrong off-ramp, her problem would have been solved if she would have just continued on the collector and followed the signs to re-join the freeway 100 yards ahead.

That's what the signs that read "Thru Traffic OK" mean you Highway A-hole.

And dude driving the cement mixer, get a grip already... according to your dispatcher's desk (yes, I called), you get paid by the hour. You should thank Ms. HHR for putting another $3 in your pocket.

AUGUST 22, 2007 @ 11:12 am – SB 405 Fwy at 105 Fwy Interchange

Well thanks to Wil Smith and Universal Pictures, I was late to work today. Just when things were starting to improve around here, this had to happen.

Universal Studios is shooting a freeway action scene on the 105 freeway just west of the 405, adjacent to the SW corner of LAX. As I understand it, the shoot requires that the 105 traffic WB from the 405, and all associated on/off-ramps be closed from 6:00 am until 10:00 pm "for a number of days". Can someone tell me what that "number" is please?

Wait a minute! It's the middle of the week people. Why shut down one of SoCals most commute crippling and busiest freeway intersections? Commuters are beyond inconvienced by these closures. What show stopping scene had to be shot mid-week that couldn't be shot on weekend days?

Are you guys taking scheduling lessons from CalTrans now? I most certainly hope not. The freeways can't possible handle another asinine studio public relations stunt. The spin control for a Highway A-hole is almost always futile.

And boy are his ears pointy.

AUGUST 11, 2007 @ 12:45 am – NB 405 Fwy at 101 Fwy Interchange

God damnit CalTrans!

You have a really cool and hourly updated website. For almost a decade it has been the trusted online source for scheduled freeway closures. These closures are usually for road work, lane re-striping, k-rail installation or removal, road survey work, etc. Anything to do with the scheduled maintenance of the statewide California Freeway System. Knowing where these closures are allows the California driver to plan alternate routes if necessary so they are as inconvienced as little as possible due to the closure.

So here's why you guys at CalTrans are Highway A-holes.

Your website located at http://www.dot.ca.gov/dist07/laneclosures/d7PClos.htm states that this morning at 1 am, the entire on and off-ramps for the 405 NB to 101 EB and SB ramps will be closed for k-rail removal and lane striping. No problem. For most of us that means getting to through the intersection closure before their public announced scheduled times.

But, someone on the scene in one of those fucking orange trucks for CalTrans decided to start the closures early, like more than 15 minutes early. At 12:45 am, all lanes for the 405 NB to the 101 interchange were closed way before their scheduled 1 am start time. Boy did this put a crink in the driving plans of every fucking motorist traveling NB through the area trying to get through BEFORE the closure started.

When you are a good driver and check the closures before you travel through an area that has an expected closure, yuo would expect CalTrans to honor their schedules and not create even more emotional commuter shit amongst the citizens of the highways.

AUGUST 10, 2007 @ 7:55 pm – NB 405 Fwy at Century Blvd

Just freaking great, stuck in Friday evening rush hour near LAX. It's my fault I suppose since I wasn't able to get away from work before 4 pm like I usually do on Fridays.

This time our Highway A-hole of note was a serial tailgater. Nice new Dodge Charger R/T, red with black ralley stripes. The driver was non-descript due to the heavily tinted side and rear windows.

We were just inching along N from Orange County to the 110 Interchange. There the traffic lightened up to a point we could all move pretty much the speed limit. The Charger A-hole was really riding up close on the bumper of a silver Cooper Mini. The driver of the Mini was a yuppie looking programmer type, probably a TRW, Boeing or Northrup-Grumann employee (I've seen my fill of these people). He seemed to be staring straight ahead and driving very intently. He probably already noted the tailgating Charger behind him.

Now this Charger was really right up on the Mini. Not just I-need-to-get-by-you close, but more of if-you-hit-your-brakes-our-cars-will-be-having-sex close. The Charger was right on the Mini's butt until we got to Century Blvd. There traffic started to slow to a crawl once again. The Mini has already merged to the number 3 lane - it looks as if the Charger had done the same. The number 2 lane was clear and free for he Dodger to pass the Mini. Nothing doing, the Charger remained on the Mini's ass as I went ahead and passed both.

Really, this was nothing a little tap on the brake lights could have solved for the Mini.

AUGUST 7, 2007 @ 8:29 am – NB 101 Fwy at White Oak Ave

Look people, if your car isn't running to par with the rest of traffic, please pull over to the shoulder or get off the freeway altogether.

Our Highway A-hole today is a high school age boy driving a newer blue Subaru WRX, complete with a wing across the back trunk. He was in the number 2 lane driving 45 mph amongst traffic that was going 60 mph+. People were passing him on the left and right. He had his emergency flashers on constantly. As I was almost ready to pass him, the car ahead of me decided it would be a good idea to let the bloke over to the right. I agreed, he must be having mechanical problems of some type or why else would he be driving in the middle of traffic with the flashers on, right?

None such doin'. Even though cars started to leave the Subaru wide berth to slide off the freeway, or at least over to the right lanes where he belonged, he ignored the gestures and kept driving as I started to pass him... now at 40 mph.

Wake up people, look around you and use the opportunities offered to you in such situations. It will keep us all happy and safe.

Now Here's A Good Idea

I found this organization online. They call themselves The Left Lane Drivers. For $29 USD you get lifetime membership and a cool reverse printed winshield sticker to let those ahead of you driving too slow in the fast lane know what they need to do.

I would consider putting the sticker on my vehicles, but I am afraid the message would create more problems that it would solve. The LA Times once reported that 1 out of 9 drivers on the LA streets and highways is carrying a gun.

AUGUST 1, 2007 @ 2:49 pm – NB 710 FWY to NB 405 Interchange

Some people just can seem to figure things out on the fly. When they can't, everyone else around them is fucking fried.

OK now try to follow along. It's going to get complicated for a bit.

There is a rather tricky intersection going from the 710 NB to the 405 NB in Long Beach. If involves merging into a double exit collector and then utilizing one of those circular off-ramp lanes to yet another set of merge lanes combining the NB 710 to NB 405 traffic with the 710 SB merging... all trying to get into NB 405 traffic. It sounds confusing I know, but if you have ever been in this interchange and done the described path, I'm sure you can relate to this A-hole story.

It's a 50 yd stretch of merging lanes that require cars and tractor trailers have to use for the double merge. To get from the collecting NB and SB 710 FWY, and the NB 405 merging traffic into the 710 ramps, you must negotiate this area in quick fashion. If you do this merge right no one is delayed and no one gets pissed. However, if you lolly-gag or try to force your way through and don't pay attention to the rest of the traffic trying to merge at the same time, you not only fuck yourself, but you fuck everyone else as well. This usually results in all traffic having to stop while the A-hole who caused the whole mess is allowed to safely and slowly merge, by himself, across the two lanes into the NB 405 entry lane as it approaches the Santa Fe Ave overpass. Most drivers are patient with this kind of bullshit. However, the tractor-trailer rigs are not so compassionate... to them time is money and waiting for an A-hole is something they refuse to do.

There she was - an Asian woman in her late 50's. Short cropped black hair wearing some kind of office dress-blouse. She looked like she could have been Korean but I'm not positive. She was puttering in a 1990 4 door silver Toyota Camry, last five license plate numbers DT110. I was 4 cars behind her. As she entered the merging lanes described above, she decided that traffic was moving way to fast for her to merge so decided to stop cold in the middle of the merging traffic. EVERYONE behind her came to a stop as well.

OK, no problem. She will be back on her way in a few seconds as traffic thins a bit. Nothing doing, she just sat there. Two minutes go by and she is still waiting for her chance to go. Traffic is now starting to back-up on the NB and SB 710 off-ramps. Big truck horns are now starting to toot.

Finally se starts to creep into the merge lanes towards the NB 405 on-ramp. As she slithers into the lanes, the other lane she was in opens up like a flood gate to let the rest of us pass her - of course on the right.

2 miles after I was able to get onto the NB 405, I suddenly see the silver Camry speeding up on me in my rear view mirror. She changes lanes and passes me on the left. She had to be going 70 mph plus. Wow, I guess she does have balls after all... that little A-hole bitch.